As many of you know, I have Ulcerative Colitis. It’s a chronic illness that attacks the good old colon. Because I have this lovely illness, I get to have a Colonoscopy every 2-5 years. My number is up, people. I have to have a full Colonoscopy this week. For those of you young enough to never experience the joys of this yet, this blog is for you.
Two days before the procedure the rules are easy. No nuts, raw fruit or veggies or popcorn. Chinese it is.
The day before is when it gets interesting. No solid food of any kind. Cool. Ice cream and pudding? No. CLEAR fluids only. But, but… Okay, fine. I can live on Jello (even though I hate it) and Chicken broth. I’ll be okay. The hunger pangs can be pushed aside because the beauty of this process is looming at high noon. That’s when shit get’s real. Literally. You see, in order to have a proper colonoscopy (one that you don’t want to have to repeat) you have to clean out all six FEET of your colon so they can snake a camera up there and have a good look see.
With what shall I cleanse it? Dear, Doctor, Dear Doctor? They gave me these bad boys.
That there is an 8.03 oz container of Mirliax that needs to be mixed with 64 oz of see through fluid (no red or purple) and 4, yes 4 Dolcolax. My colon actually cried when I picked that up.
The real ‘fun’ starts with two of the pills at noon with water…then two hours later the Toxic Gatorade. One glass every 10-15 minutes! It will take about 2 hours to finish the drink they say. AFTER that is done, then I take the other two pills with more water. Drinking that much, that fast, makes you sick. Like wanting to vomit sick. Add the ‘movement’ issues that the are the end result of the Toxic Gatorade and you can be assured a very miserable day.
How do I plan on getting through this hell? With a good book and a lot of ultra soft Charmin.
The day of the procedure you can have nothing. Nada. Zip. No soup for you! On the plus side, they MAKE you have someone drive you to the hospital, because A. Your weak with hunger and loss of body mass but more importantly, B. you will be going under and you can’t drive home after cause you don’t remember who you are or what planet you are from. True Story.
Thank GOD I have a great friend who will help me in this most humiliating time. She alone will get to witness the joy of Danielle waking up from anesthesia. (I’ve told her I’d kill her if she posted any pics or videos. Only I am allowed to make fun of myself). She’s going to be my brain when mine won’t be working.
Then, after it’s done and you finally get to crawl carefully into your bed, you get to deal with a day of tremendous gas and cramps. You see, they fill your colon with air in order to get that camera up and around the 6 FEET of your colon, and all that air needs to come out. Oh, she is such a good friend to volunteer for this miserable job. Thank you Kari!
I’m hoping to have no complications and that the procedure will give me a positive outlook on my illness, but In the meantime, wish me luck. It’s going down…and then out.