So I May Have Bought A Treadmill

Oh, I know what you’re all thinking…A treadmill, really? That’s just going to turn into a coat rack, you know. No, it won’t. Not again…(cough)

Here’s the thing. I’m no spring chicken anymore. At least, that’s what my doctor tells me. I need to get my butt moving cause, well, health reasons. My doc has been on me for a few years to get in some physical activity, and I have good intentions. I joined the YMCA. I walked the track. A total of 7 times. Then, I stopped going. Why? Soooooooooooooooo many reasons, but ultimately…it’s because I’m so painfully introverted that the thought of going into the Y, making eye contact/conversation with people while there makes me all nervous.

So, the next attempt was to walk outside. Too bad every bug in a 30-mile radius seems to hone in on the fact that I’ve stepped outside and attempts to suck me dry the second I do. Nature is trying to kill me.

A treadmill seemed like a natural progression. Now, to be fair, I didn’t buy a super expensive model, because if this thing DOES turn into a coat rack I don’t want it to be a $1,000 one. When it showed up on my door a few days later, however, I was under the weather and couldn’t assemble it. Never fear, my boy, with all his Lego mastery, had the machine out of the box and assembled in no time flat.  I knew those Lego skills would pay off one day.

So now here it is, day one of me feeling strong enough to walk on the thing. Accordingly, I thought I’d do a play by play.

*Turn it ON before hitting start. Apparently, it works better that way.

*Choose a program. Um… Let’s start with #1, shall we?

*I’m pumped. Let’s do this!

*Machine displays 2 km/h I could crawl faster than this. UGH, so slooooooooooooooow.

*Machine displays 4km/h Oh, okay now we’re going a little faster. Here we go.

*Wait. Now we’re going slow again. I’m so confused.

*Well-played treadmill. Speeding me up just as I’m taking a sip of water (wipes water off my chin.)

*5 km/h feels like my normal walking speed. Wonder what 8 will feel like?

*3 km/h again? Ugh! This is so slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

*What’s that beeping?

*It’s done? But I never went above 5km/h!

*Oooo, but look. I walked a little over a mile. Let’s see how many calories I’ve burned.

*37 f*%king calories?! That’s it?

*Grumbles at machine as I tuck it away for the day (A.K.A. Coatrack mode)

Takeaway: Program preset #1 is, clearly, not ideal for me. I’ll go through all 12 presets to find the one that feels right (presuming none of them requires me to run.) That is NOT on my list of things to do. I’ll walk fast, but running is not a good idea for these old joints. Especially on this treadmill. It’s not long enough for a running stance, or anyone taller than a 5’2″ stature. While workout one felt like a bust, I have hopes the days will get better and the doc will get off my case.

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