Oh, I know what you’re all thinking…A treadmill, really? That’s just going to turn into a coat rack, you know. No, it won’t. Not again…(cough)
Here’s the thing. I’m no spring chicken anymore. At least, that’s what my doctor tells me. I need to get my butt moving cause, well, health reasons. My doc has been on me for a few years to get in some physical activity, and I have good intentions. I joined the YMCA. I walked the track. A total of 7 times. Then, I stopped going. Why? Soooooooooooooooo many reasons, but ultimately…it’s because I’m so painfully introverted that the thought of going into the Y, making eye contact/conversation with people while there makes me all nervous.
So, the next attempt was to walk outside. Too bad every bug in a 30-mile radius seems to hone in on the fact that I’ve stepped outside and attempts to suck me dry the second I do. Nature is trying to kill me.
A treadmill seemed like a natural progression. Now, to be fair, I didn’t buy a super expensive model, because if this thing DOES turn into a coat rack I don’t want it to be a $1,000 one. When it showed up on my door a few days later, however, I was under the weather and couldn’t assemble it. Never fear, my boy, with all his Lego mastery, had the machine out of the box and assembled in no time flat. I knew those Lego skills would pay off one day.
So now here it is, day one of me feeling strong enough to walk on the thing. Accordingly, I thought I’d do a play by play.
*Turn it ON before hitting start. Apparently, it works better that way.
*Choose a program. Um… Let’s start with #1, shall we?
*I’m pumped. Let’s do this!
*Machine displays 2 km/h I could crawl faster than this. UGH, so slooooooooooooooow.
*Machine displays 4km/h Oh, okay now we’re going a little faster. Here we go.
*Wait. Now we’re going slow again. I’m so confused.
*Well-played treadmill. Speeding me up just as I’m taking a sip of water (wipes water off my chin.)
*5 km/h feels like my normal walking speed. Wonder what 8 will feel like?
*3 km/h again? Ugh! This is so slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow
*What’s that beeping?
*It’s done? But I never went above 5km/h!
*Oooo, but look. I walked a little over a mile. Let’s see how many calories I’ve burned.
*37 f*%king calories?! That’s it?
*Grumbles at machine as I tuck it away for the day (A.K.A. Coatrack mode)