The ABC’s of DEE
Release Day Blitz
Full Cover Wrap
It’s ten minutes to seven and my underwear has already climbed up my ass more times than people have climbed Everest. I would love to blame Victoria’s Secret for selling me faulty ‘3 for $25.00 panties,’ but let’s be honest, I’m the one trying to cram my 40-year-old fanny into underwear meant for people who don’t eat food. They just looked so good on the stark white, half-butt mannequin that I thought they would totally cover the square footage of my backside. I was grossly mistaken.
As I yank the neon pink cloth from the depths no undies should go (again), I debate whether I should change them or not. On the one hand, it is only a first date. Wearing these will pretty much assure he’ll be getting some because I don’t intend to wear this torture device all night long for nothing. On the other hand, it is only a first date. Wearing some good old ‘period panties’ would guarantee that there would be no traveling South of the Elastic Band Border and my cheeks would actually be comfortably contained. Decisions, decisions.
That’s it. I’m becoming a nun. Nuns don’t have to deal with this shit. They don’t have to question how much wedgie-control is adequate for a first date. They can just sit in silence with no judgment about who they’re dating, why their legs aren’t shaved, or why they haven’t had sex in two years. I know. I have issues. And a lot of toys.
Danielle Bannister is a work at home mom of two small children living in rural Maine. She has her BA in theatre and her Masters in Literary Education and working hard on several other novels. She has written Pulled, Pulled, Pulled Back and Pulled Back Again, .as well as a collection of short works entitled Short Shorts. Her work can also be found in the 2012 edition of The Goose River Press Anthology and the 2012 Maine Writing Project’sAnthology, Writeous.
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